Apology and New Direction

A lot has transpired in my life since my last post. I would like to apologize to anyone who was relying on me for information as i know there was much interest. While i still intend on having this site offer services to fathers of separation in divorce, it will be but just one aspect of the over all services. After much thought, i have come to the conclusion that a much broader spectrum of services are needed as a whole. Concentrating on just fathers is like applying a band aid to a gun shot wound. With that being said i now present to you changes that will take place over the next few months. Please keep in mind the ultimate goal is providing a better life for children through support provided to parents.

Changes

• Father of mine will still exist but on a sub level of The Maryland Family Foundation. Org
• Focus will be shifted from not only Separated and Divorced Fathers but all aspects of Family Law in Maryland and will include service's for women as well.

Departments with in will include:

• Educational Material, Advice, Classes and Counseling for Current, New and or Expecting families.
• Support Services For Women
• Support Services For Men
• Drug and Alcohol counseling, class, support and educational materials
• Educational Material surrounding Autism and ADHD for children and adults
• Family Separation Prevention counseling, support and services
• Family Certification's
• Additional Family crisis contacts and support

A new dedicated site with categories, forums and all the above should be created and completed by August 31st.

From there i should know if state funding will have been acquired and I will transition from my current job to full time.

Volunteer's are welcomed and an application will be posted shortly.

While we still provide support and services for Fathers and Mothers greater emphasis will be placed on preventing separation and divorce in the first place. After all currently, if you are reading this it is the main reason why you started visiting this site to begin with.

Slow Start Getting Back But Getting Back On My Feet

Update:

The first week of January, I entered the Baltimore County Court House with my lawyer to defend the life of my 3 year old son. Below you will find a list of events that transpired prior to the case and then I will explain  the outcome.  The reason why I'm providing this information is to help Fathers who are victims of separation and divorce realize what they are up against in order to improve their lives and the lives of their children.

Events Leading Up To Trial:

My Arguments to the Judge:

·       My sons mother abandon's myself, my son and her 8 year old daughter from a previous relationship for close 2 months.

·       My sons mother was diagnosed while in the military with Narcissistic tendencies and borderline personality disorder. I have military medical documents proving this. ( I was told documents could not be used in court)

·       My sons mother developed an alcohol addiction

·       My sons mother withholds my son from me off and on for the past 3 years.

·       My sons mother enrolls him into a private school against my request for her to not do so when he is 3 years old. School costs $10,000 a year.

·       Mother lives with her boy friend who my son (who is 3) has expressed to me drinks beer on a daily basis.

·       My court date was canceled twice in 3 years causing me to wait for months on end to get before a judge.

·       My sons mother moves over an hour and a half away from our previous residence

·       I make 60k  a year

My Son's Mothers Arguments to the Judge:

·       I'm a horrible father because i allowed my son to have M&M's at 10 a.m. during an hour and a half car ride to his mother.

·       I have not given my son's mother any money since we split in regards to care for my son.

·       She does not agree with what i feed him and makes many false accusations.

·       Wanted me to have my son Saturday morning until Sunday afternoon every other weekend.

·       Sons mother makes 100k a year

Those were her arguments.

All in all, instead of the Judge standing by the oath she took to protect, the judge took the easy way out.

The outcome of my case was:

·       Joint Legal with mother having tie breaker

·       Full Physical to mother: reasoning The Judge would not pull my son out of the private school and the distance between our residencies.

·       Visitation - I have my son 3 weekends a month Friday evening at 4p.m. - Sunday evening at 7 p.m.

·       Mother awarded $20,000 dollars back child support working out to be $175.00 a month. The fact that she withheld from me was not taken in consideration.

·       Mother awarded $980.00 Child Support a month.

Factors the judge did not take into consideration:

·       I have a 6 month old daughter, girl friend and her son i finically support currently.

·       My sons mother makes approx $40,000 more than i do yearly

·       My sons mother abandoned myself, my son and her daughter for 2 months prior to separation

·       My sons mother with held him from me on a weekly basis causing me to rack up $35,000 in attorneys fee's in a course of 3 years

·       The school my sons mother placed him in does not have accredit teachers.

·       My sons mothers mental health issues

·       My sons mothers alcohol abuse

·       My sons mother moving over an hour away

All in all I was disappointed with the outcome. While I'm not happy with the amount of time I have with my son, I take comfort knowing that at least while I'm not with him, he is in school.

The child support is really unfair. I have no problem paying child support but it should not be 50% of my income exspecially when his mother makes 100k a year. The child support awarded by the judge has now put my daughter at risk and has not benefited my son in anway, just given his mom $1200 a month more spending money.

Joint legal with mother having tie breaker. I can not think of a dumber law. Ultimilty whatever my sons mother wants to happen, happens.

While wearefatherofmine are fighting to have the court system restructured when it comes to child custody matters, our overall goal is to protect the children and fathers lives and rights when invloved in such circumstances requiring court intervention.

Let it be clear Father of Mines goals are:

1.   To give every child the chance, love, affection and opportunities in life that they deserve from both parents.

2.   To organize groups to combat and protect fathers or even women's rights from a corrupt court system.

3.   Provide knowledge, support and advice to fathers who are battling or have been defeated by a corrupt court system.

Goal

Currently this blog is in the Beta phase of becoming the foundation for a non profit that will assist Fathers to be, Fathers and Fathers affected by separation and or divorce.

• Legal suggestions
• Mental Health
• Faith
• Financial
• Tips
• Guides
• Educational Materials
• Relationships
• Communication

The over all goal will be to better the lives of children and fathers by giving fathers the tools and knowledge they need to be a sucsessfull parent.

Fathers Guide to Surviving the Holidays Tip #1

                                                  Image Courtesy of www.cordisimages.com

Once again the holidays are upon us. This is the time of the year where families come together and celebrate for religious and traditional belief's. More than likely, if you a reading my blog it is because you and your child and have both been victimized or suffered through a separation or divorce.

Below will be a guide of how to make it through the holidays as a single father. While i do realize it will not replace the lost time you will miss with your child, much of what you read on my blog will be redirecting your frame of thought of dwelling on the past or feeling pain in the present and redirecting ahead to a brighter future.

                                                      Image courtesy of inmagine.com

1. Go Back To The Future:

The best thing about life is that things constantly change. While you cannot change what has passed, knowledge you can change foundation of the future. While it may seem odd, during the moments you are feeling the most vulnerable, you are actually more capable and stronger than you have been at any point in your life. Now you are probably reading this thinking "how is this possible?" Allow me to explain.

As human beings it is in our nature to seek out happiness. Even the most unhappy person you know in life seeks fulfillment of their own happiness in a self serving manner. Now let's reflect on happiness. What is happiness? All emotions that occur, happen in the a part of the brain called the “amygdala”. Science believes when you are happy or angry chemical and electrical stimulation occurs in the amygdale sending bursts of energy to the body. The displaced energy dictates different reactions depending on the situation and your wisdom. The secret in understanding  this is that while you may not be able to control the situation causing the stimulation of the amygdala, you can over time learn to control how to spend the energy it displaces. The biggest step in learning to control this energy is recognizing a moment or situation that will cause it to occur. Often times the burst of energy is so strong people lose sight of what the main focal point is that originally triggered the  amygdala and displace the energy in a negative and damaging manner, only to add to or create a new problem by their own actions.

Wow that was a lot right. Let's take a practical look of what the above paragraph is saying and how you could apply it to better your life and your child's.

Scenario 1

John is a father going through a separation with his son John Jrs mother. A week prior to Christmas John Jrs mother calls John and informs him he will not be seeing his son Christmas day. Immediately after hearing this John says "you stupid (pick your own expletive) , what do you mean i can't see my son Christmas day?" and the two start arguing.

What John has done in this scenario is reacted in a way further damaging his ability to see his son. While the mother might be extremely unfair in this situation and wrong, John lost sight of his ultimate goal, his son.

Now you might be saying what did you expect? John is being told he can't see his son on Christmas day! Well you see, as a father you are a protector and as a protector you are someone who is required to fight. You need to look at every situation as if you are fighting a war. In a war if you were armed with a deadly machine gun and were facing the enemies entire elite brigade would you run into it and just start unloading? Or would you head back to base and seek reinforcements?

Now let's look at how the situation could be handled differently by John in Scenario 2

Scenario 2

John receives a call from Jon Jrs mother the week of Christmas and is told John Jr will not be spending Christmas day with John. John questions as to why he will not be able to see his son in a calm manner and after receiving a lame excuse says "well i just want to let you know, i would really love to have John on Christmas so do me a favor, sleep on it and if you can think of anything to possibly allow me to have him for half the day or so please let me know." John then hangs up the phone politely and writes a letter to John Jr expressing how he is so upset and how he feels. John decides he will give John Jr the letter and pictures (that John will take on Christmas day) to John Jr when he graduates high school.

What John has done here is tricked John Jrs mother into believing that she is in control. (something i will refer to in future posts as "the control factor"). All women seem to seek control. By John  expressing his wants and needs in the form of a request John is giving giving John Jrs mother the authority to be in control and dictate what takes place. John has now improved his chances of seeing his son Christmas day. John has lost the battle but could win the war. Depending on the John Jrs mother this strategy may or may not work. Ultimately though by setting up plan B and focusing his energies on how much he cares about John Jr by writing a letter John has now rigged the deck and will be able to give John Jr an extremely impactful heartfelt moment in the future. The kind of moment every father dreams of where your child hugs you and says "thanks dad." Also think about how John Jr would feel receiving a handful of letters like these explaining how much his father cared and what his father went through for him?

Support for Fathers of Seperation and Divorce

For a few months now i have been tossing around the idea of starting a non profit for fathers named Father Of Mine. What you are seeing is the first step in creating this organization in which fathers and expecting fathers can gain tips, knowledge and support surrounding separation and divorce.

When my son was two years old his mother and i separated. (A situation i will detail in future posts) During the separation, i became obsessed with searching for answers to the millions of questions i had running through my head about what to do. I did not know where to go or who to turn to for help. I remember looking frantically on line attempting to find every little piece of knowledge i could gather to protect my self and my son.

                                                            (Photo Courtesy of www.sevencounties.org)
Questions i faced were:

~ Should i get a lawyer?
~ What if i can't afford a lawyer?
~ How often will i get to see my son?
~ How much is child support?
~ What will this do to my son psychologically?
~ What will this do to me psychologically?
~ Should i get help psychologically?

It was a scary time for me. Not only was i emotionally distraught due to the actions of my sons mother leading up to the separation, i also had to deal with loss of time with my son, financial loss and find a new place to live. The worst feeling of all was that i felt alone. No one could really answer any of my questions, and no one could really help. All i really wanted was some advice. Someone to say "look here is what i did" or "here is what i would do."

All in all my hope is that this blog can help at least one father and one child who have been victims of separation or divorce. I have spent countless hours reading books, searching the Internet, speaking with doctors, teachers, lawyers, conducting surveys and last but not least lived through my own experiences in this master compilation of support for fathers.

While this blog is for fathers ultimately it is about the children who are effected by separation or divorce. Ensuring you as a father is equipped with all the support and knowledge you need through this long rough process will ensure your child will eventually be given the chance all children deserve.

All in all if you found this blog and if you book mark it and return daily it means you have already taken a huge step in the right direction of bettering your child's life and your own.

If you have any ideas, thoughts, suggestions or concerns please contact me at christopherbriangannon@gmail.com